Consent for Medical Training

I’m a cardiology fellow, and so a good chunk of my time is now spent consenting patients for various procedures and tests. You go over the risks and benefits with the patient, and ask if they have any questions.

But all this consenting led me to a realization: I had never been consented to become a doctor! This seems to me a glaring hole in current med ed. After all, the future consenters of America must themselves be properly consented.

But you can’t live life in the past. Future MDs, I’m looking out for you. See the attached below for your very own consent for medical training form.

I, __________, hereby consent to receiving my MD from __________ medical school, and my residency from _____
_______. I agree that the risks and benefits of this invasive and interminable set of standardized tests and call obligations was fully explained to me by Benjamin Gold, MD.

Explanation of the Procedure

1. I agree to sacrifice all of my free time to either study for or become extremely anxious about a series of never-ending, expensive board exams.
2. If I pass the exams, I agree to yield the remainder of my free time to being in the hospital.
3. I agree to be in debt for the next ___ years at a cost of roughly $_ _ _,000.00 dollars.
   • Corollary 1: I agree to wholeheartedly endorse the debt as “worth it” in conversation.
4. I agree to commit to choosing a specialty based on a few weeks of exposure to a given field.
   • Corollary 1: The decision will largely be based on how cool the residents are, and the degree to which the attending is or isn’t a dick.
5. I agree to profess my undying, unyielding love for performing medical research.
6. Due to the inherent difficulty of dating during medical training (testing, stress levels, The Match, etc.) I hereby renounce all claims to a love life.
   • Acceptable love objects during training include: ice cream, coffee, alcohol, netflix.

Medical Risks

1. Permanent eye bags
2. Dysthymia
3. Arrythmia (from the coffee. See: Explanation of the Procedure, point 6)
4. Insomnia / circardian rhythm disorder
5. Delusions of grandeur
6. Retching / vomiting (see: anatomy lab, first year; see also: GI rotation)
7. Bleeding, infection, damage to internal structures

Anesthesia

Several narcotic agents will be used to induce sleep. These include, but are not limited to:

1. Online Hospital Certification Modules
2. HIPAA Compliance Training
3. EPIC Training
4. Powerpoints on how to avoid burnout that recommend getting more sleep.
5. 24 hour call followed by Grand Rounds.
6. Trying to obtain a prior auth over the phone.
   1. WARNING: only long telephone holds cause sedation. If speaking with a representative, known side effects include severe rage and extreme psychological torment.

Benefits of Procedure

1. Being able to reassure family members over the phone that they aren’t dying.
2. Replacing whatever baseline psychological orientation you had towards the world with a grim cynicism that reduces time wasted on things like optimism or hope.
3. A realization that the human capacity for suffering is far, far, greater than you had imagined.
4. Being able to help someone at their lowest, when they have nowhere else to turn, no insurance, no family, and no clue what is wrong with them. Being able to look someone in the eyes and tell them that it’s going to be OK, that we’re going to figure this out. Showing someone that you care about them, they aren’t alone, and you’ll work together to help them live a longer, better life. Witnessing bravery you couldn’t imagine was possible in a human. Being hugged in clinic by a patient in tears who tells you that without you, they wouldn’t be alive. Being a voice for science, reason, and compassion in an increasingly chaotic, conspiratorial, and bitter world. Knowing that you’re trying to make the world a better place.
5. Wearing scrubs to work. It’s the best.