HOUSTON, TX – In a heroic and improbable fight against death and human mortality, hospital administrator Steve Phillips correctly identified that patient Dorothy Johnson should have been admitted under ‘observation’ status instead of ‘inpatient,’ saving her life.
“Each human life is a gift,” Phillips said at a press conference this afternoon. “We were able to identify Ms. Johnson as someone who could benefit from immediate bureaucratic intervention. By the grace of God, we did it just in time.” The conference was interrupted multiple times by flowers being heaped upon the podium.
Ms. Johnson had reportedly been admitted to the hospital for an exacerbation of her Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. However, she began recovering at a much faster rate than was initially expected. That’s when Mr. Phillips saw his opportunity, and struck. “Medicine is like improvisational jazz,” Mr. Phillips said. “You listen, you watch, you feel. But when it’s time for the solo, you’ve gotta be ready to go.”
Mr. Phillips called the inpatient medicine team immediately. Although his actions only appeared to change a technicality on her chart that won’t alter any medical or financial aspect of her care, Mr. Phillips warned not to be fooled by first impressions. “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover,” Mr. Phillips implored. “Sometimes, the book will have the wrong cover, or no illustrations.”
When asked how he deals with the high-stress environment of his job, Mr. Phillips was characteristically stoic and implacable. “I may have to call a team 10, 20 times during the day and interrupt them from whatever they might be doing to get them to change a meaningless, trivial designation that literally does nothing for patient outcomes. But if that’s what it takes to save a life, then that’s what it takes.” He added: “Medicine is like when you order a burrito at Chipotle with way too much meat. You have to do whatever it takes to get the job done. You have to stuff it all in there, even if it seems like there’s no way the tortilla will hold. You may even need a second tortilla. For my patients, I’ll use a hundred tortillas if it means better outcomes.”
Dr. Kenneth Brulo, head of medicine, became teary eyed as he recalled the events of the day. “When medicine works – and it’s rare – but when it works, it is so god damn beautiful. I just wish all of our faculty, staff, trainees, and students could emulate Mr. Phillips on a day to day basis, and strive to obsess over defunct, arcane, and ultimately worthless patient designations as though their lives depended on it.”
Mr. Phillips will receive his ‘keys to the city’ from Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner this evening. When asked if he was excited for the ceremony, he demured: “I’m humbled and honored to be invited. And don’t worry, I won’t poke around the governor’s mansion too much. I’ll just observe, and will likely leave 24-48 hours after my arrival.” As the old adage goes: you can take the administrator out of the hospital, but you can never take the hospital out of the administrator. Heroes are heroes, plain and simple.
So good! I’ve read all your posts. Laughed out loud. Keep it up.