What’s in a Name?

Drugs have ridiculous names. To walk down the pharmacy aisle at CVS is to be awash in names that have been scientifically crafted to evoke certain feelings. They are usually some combination of uplifting and self-affirming, with a distinct yogic/new age quality.

Most drugs have 3 names — their chemical compound name, their generic name, and their trade name. For example, take naproxen, the quotidien workhorse of arthritis pain. Naproxen is the generic name of the chemical compound (+)-(S)-2-(6-methoxynaphthalen-2-yl) propanoic acid. And, fine. I get it. Don’t call it that frankensteinish combination of words, numbers, and arithmetic signs. But drug companies have decided that generic names like naproxen are not sexy enough. So in come the trade names.

Naproxen has a lot of trade names: Aleve, Accord, Anaprox, Antalgin, Apranax, Feminax Ultra, Flanax, Inza, Midol Extended Relief, Nalgesin, Naposin, Naprelan, Naprogesic, Naprosyn, Narocin, Pronaxen, Proxen, Soproxen, Synflex, MotriMax, and Xenobid. To reiterate – these are all the same drug. Same ole (+)-(S)-2-(6-methoxynaphthalen-2-yl) propanoic acid. Just say some of these names out loud, and let the positive associations pour in.

Aleve. Aleeeeeeeeeve. Let me aleeeeeve all of your pain. Come away with me, lets aleeeve this place.

Synnnflex. The syngery of flexion. The symphony of flexibility. The synchrony of flexing. Ooooooh yeahhhhh. Synflex!

Naprogesic comes very close to “aphrodisiac.” Feminax Ultra sort of sounds like the love child of Rachel Maddow and Megatron (two awesome people, it must be said). Accord just means “agree.” Antalgin literally breaks apart into “anti-algesia,” or “against-pain.” Why don’t we just start calling our drugs “good-thing” or “eat-me?”

I’ve decided I’ve had enough with these names. They’re too uplifting. Too focus-grouped. I want a new set of drug names. I want real life. I want raw emotion. Here are my suggestions for gritty, unique drug names that speak to a deeper pallet of human experience.

• Decai – Live. Love. Decai. 
• Voldemorimab – Making your blood pure again.
• Oblivia – The night is always darkest just before Oblivia.
• Agonee – If you want ecstasy, you’ll need Agonee.
• Gread – Be a sweetie, get Gread-y!
• Gread Extra Strength – For those who need a little more Gread in their life.
• Gread Cold n’ Flu – No matter how you feel, you should always have Gread.
• Despare – You don’t have a moment to spare! Despare today.
• Expensiva – You can’t afford not to. 
• Angwish  – When you angwish upon a star, your dreams come true.
• Torchure Extended Release – There is no pleasure without pain.
• Beuhring – Life should always be Beuhring.
• Afrade – When you’re frayed, trust Afrade.